Got together with Jack White to chat about Bond theme songs, eccentric upholstery projects, and his album #FearOfTheDawn. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/L1cLAHsOxT

I just called the Emmy people and told them they need to find me 11,000 votes.

Just saw Crypto.​com Arena on Zillow for $100.

Drove an hour and 28 minutes to watch @SonaMov get trashed in @MattGourley’s backyard. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/P5Z4Io9Xy6

Thrilled that David Sedaris has gone from feeling "apprehensive" about being my friend to "fantastic." Hear why @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/09syyrDPTj

For Father’s Day my kids regifted me a cold and distant stare.

I’m the opposite of Ringo. I will sign any Beatles memorabilia you send me.

It just cost me $150,000 to fill up my Harrier fighter jet. Thanks a lot Biden.

I finally earned an EGOT (watched “Euphoria,” “Gilmore Girls,” “Orange is the New Black” and “That’s So Raven”).

I can’t believe Ryan Gosling is playing Ken in the Barbie movie, I’ll put my smooth mound up against his any day.

Hear me, @SonaMov, and @MattGourley bibble-babble about America’s most flawed treat: s'mores. #ChillChums https://t.co/8lvgDfbmVZ

Was thrilled to catch up with my former intern @VanessaBayer. Hear us gab about #SNL, home shopping, and more @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/ZIncPlu9ej

I hate parents who take youth sports too seriously. Save that energy for pointing out minor inconsistencies in “The Mandalorian.”

“A life well lived includes an illicit romance with a Postmate.” -- Socrates

Maybe I’m biased, but I happen to think the bots that follow me are the best damn bots in the entire world! (Cue shameless bot applause)

Fucker stole my plate. https://t.co/WahFJ8hX2e

I look forward to someday watching “The Staircase” series based on the “The Staircase” documentary about the making of “The Staircase” series based on “The Staircase” documentary.

Hear how a crime went unstopped and unsolved because my fan Alex was busy filming a Fan Correction for my TV show. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/pNihMrVRGN

If Twitter goes under, I’ll just go back and sing all 4,528 of my tweets on TikTok.

My interview with Jeff Goldblum is 70 minutes of pure madness and joy. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/FcwHyYEZ25